


when i fall apart

by RaineyDay



Series: Autistic ADHD Obi-Wan AU [2]
Category: Star Wars Legends: Jedi Apprentice Series - Jude Watson & Dave Wolverton, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: ADHD Obi-Wan Kenobi, Ableism, Autistic Obi-Wan Kenobi, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:15:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26103262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaineyDay/pseuds/RaineyDay
Summary: Qui-Gon Jinn isn't amonster. When he runs into a child in deep distress, he's going to want to help them.  It's hardly his fault that he has an overactive sense of righteous indignation. It doesnotmean he's ever going to take on another Padawan, though. (Not yet, anyway.)
Relationships: Qui-Gon Jinn & Obi-Wan Kenobi
Series: Autistic ADHD Obi-Wan AU [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1894696
Comments: 8
Kudos: 116





	when i fall apart

**Author's Note:**

> it took me the LONGEST time to figure out where I wanted to go with the autistic/adhd Obi-Wan au I wrote, or if I wanted to continue it at all! the problem with making Obi-Wan's earliest days better than they were in the books, is that,,, the books stop making as much sense as a logical way for him to become a Padawan,,, so this is me trying to stick as close to canon motivations and timelines as possible while fitting it to my au and without actually, um, reading the books at all, lol.

There was someone nearby. Someone who was deeply distressed. Qui-Gon frowned in confusion and concern, wondering what could have prompted such a strong reaction. It was rare to feel such an outpouring of emotion within the Temple. The knowledge that they could all sense the feelings around them prompted shielding to be a necessity. All children in the Temple were taught to shield from an early age, and the children's spaces tended to be kept away from the more well-traveled areas of the Temple, in order to prevent the emotions of their youngest members from spilling over too much into busier areas. Aside from that, most older Jedi would keep to their rooms in times of special distress, either out of embarrassment or politeness.

Which meant that something truly awful must have happened to prompt such a response. Or it was a child who was upset. But even if so, this was not the expected amount of emotional upheaval associated with normal childhood drama.

Qui-Gon didn't really want to go seeking out the source of the emotions, because the more he examined the sensation in the Force, the more certain he grew that it was that of a child. It wasn't only that he feared what would happen if anyone saw him interacting with a child- though that was absolutely part of his motivation. If his grandmaster ever found out that Qui-Gon had spoken to or comforted a child, he would take it as proof that his meddling was needed, and that was the last thing that Qui-Gon wanted to encourage.

But even that would not have been enough on its own to cause him to hesitate. Master Yoda's meddling may be irritating, but Qui-Gon was a stubborn man and perfectly capable of holding his own in this case. And it would be cruel to leave a hurting child alone simply because it was more convenient for him. He may not be willing to ever take on another student, but that didn't mean that he wanted any children to suffer.

The primary problem was actually that he doubted his own ability to handle this problem. Despite what many people said, his avoidance of taking on a new student was not solely to protect himself from the hurt of betrayal, but also to protect the children of the Temple from him.

He had refused to see the growing signs of Darkness within Xanatos. Others hadn't. They had warned him, because they had known better, and he had disregarded their advice because he was so certain that he was right. Even if Xanatos' fall to Darkness had nothing to do with his failure to teach him properly- a thought which Qui-Gon was uncertain he agreed with- then he had still failed him by not giving him the help he needed. Another teacher might have been able to stem the Darkness before it took root. Xanatos might not have gone so far down his Dark path if he'd had another teacher, one who would not have been made oblivious by their own affection and pride.

Qui-Gon was not equipped to handle the problems of young children. He did not know the proper way to take care of them and their issues, and there was nothing to say that he wouldn't hurt this child more than they already were by attempting to comfort them.

But no one else was nearby to help, and it would have been the height of selfishness and cowardice to walk away now without at least making sure the child was alright. He wouldn't need to spend much time with them anyway, certainly. Just long enough to calm them and perhaps walk them back to their guardian. Even if he messed this up, he could hardly ruin this child within such a short interaction.

Resolved, though not enthusiastic, Qui-Gon sought out the source of the distress, finding himself in a small alcove enclosed by walls and tree trunks. The space was dark and cool, and even quieter than the rest of the Room of a Thousand Fountains was. It was a fairly small space, one which Qui-Gon would not have thought to enter if he had not been searching for someone, but there was a small padded bench with space for two or three people against one of the walls.

The distressed child had wedged himself between the side of the bench and the tree trunk nearest it. He was curled up into a ball, hands over his ears and knees up to his chest. He looked so terribly vulnerable that Qui-Gon felt an instant surge of relief that he had decided to look for him. The poor thing obviously needed help.

"Hello?" Qui-Gon called softly, moving slowly so as to alert the child to his presence without startling him. "Do you need help?"

The boy's eyes were wide with fear when he looked up at Qui-Gon regardless of his efforts not to scare him. He took his hands down from his ears and began to straighten out his legs and body into a posture that didn't scream terror, but it was clearly uncomfortable for him, enough that Qui-Gon winced in response.

"You can stay as you were, if you'd like. I'm not going to judge you based on how you're sitting." He hoped that was an appropriate reaction. Perhaps he should be encouraging the boy to withdraw, rather than the opposite. But this was already likely to be uncomfortable for the both of them, and he thought he should let the child draw comfort from wherever he could at the moment.

"If you're sure, Master..." the boy curled inward again, though less tightly than before, but he seemed relieved as he did it, so Qui-Gon assumed he must not have done too terribly.

"Master Qui-Gon Jinn," he offered, in response to the boy's trailing off.

"I'm Obi-Wan," the boy said. "Initiate Obi-Wan Kenobi."

"It's good to meet you," Qui-Gon said, careful to speak softly. The boy had flinched slightly when he'd begun speaking, as though the noise had surprised him, and this tone might be better for him. At the very least, it likely wouldn't do any harm to be careful.

"What are you doing in here?" Qui-Gon asked, when the boy said nothing more.

"Being alone," Initiate Kenobi said quietly. Qui-Gon leaned back, uncertain if that comment had been intended to serve as a request for him to leave, but when he looked back at the entrance to the alcove and moved as if to exit, a thin wave of anxiety and distress rose above the other feelings that were permeating the room, so he looked back and turned the motion into settling himself down on the ground instead.

"You seem distressed," Qui-Gon said. It was surely obvious why Qui-Gon had stopped here, and he wouldn't devalue the Initiate's intelligence by pretending that his motives were anything other than they were.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so loud. I didn't need to worry so much about projecting on Uto, so I kind of... forgot," Initiate Kenobi said, sheepishly. He started to put his shields back up, though they were weak. Qui-Gon allowed him a moment to collect himself before speaking.

"That's perfectly understandable," he said. "Though I wonder how long you were gone that you got used to that. Most Initiates don't have any reason to be away from other Jedi for more than a few days, if that."

"My agemates and I were on an educational trip. But there was a catastrophic malfunction, and we had to evacuate. My escape pod went further than the others', and I ended up on a planet called Uto," Initiate Kenobi said. He seemed to get more comfortable the more he spoke, so Qui-Gon said nothing, letting him continue. "They don't allow off-world travel during their winter season, which is when I landed, so they arranged for me to be taken care of there until the season ended. They were very nice, and they treated me well. But they don't have many Force-sensitives in their population, so it didn't matter if I shielded there or not. I've only just come back, and sometimes it's hard to remember, when I'm especially upset."

"What caused you to be so upset?"

Initiate Kenobi hesitated.

"It's nothing," he insisted. "I was simply being foolish."

The level of shame in Initiate Kenobi's posture and voice made Qui-Gon wince in sympathy. In truth, there was every chance that he would find it foolish. He was far enough separated from the drama of children that many of their problems seemed small to him. But it was clearly important to the boy, and there was no reason to dismiss the concerns without even hearing them out.

"Perhaps," Qui-Gon began, and the boy stiffened. "But perhaps not. I would need to hear the reason before knowing that."

"My clan leader wouldn't allow me to refill my medicine today. I won't have enough for tomorrow now. And my agemates found out about my medicine and mocked me."

Qui-Gon's head reared back in surprise at the comment. What kind of clan leader would not allow a child to take their prescribed medication? For a child this young to even have such a prescription, the issue must be rather serious. The Force only knew what could happen if he didn't take it as instructed. Moreover, the concept of other children _mocking_ a peer for a medical issue was outrageous.

"You need to tell someone about this, Initiate," Qui-Gon said, still softly, but with an edge to his voice that he hoped was interpreted as seriousness and not irritation. He didn't want the boy to think he was angry with _him_.

"What do you mean?" Obi-Wan looked up at him with his head tilted just slightly to the side, in confusion it seemed.

"I mean that it is unacceptable for your medical needs to be dismissed by your guardian. I cannot understand how anyone could be appointed to such a position without understanding that fact. Did they give you any explanation as to why you weren't to be allowed this?"

Instead of relief, Obi-Wan seemed to respond with even more distress. He curled in on himself a little tighter, and Qui-Gon realized, with a sinking feeling of guilt, that he had been _right_ in thinking that he was not capable of handling children.

"I forgot to request a refill in time. My clan leader said that it was my responsibility to do that, and that she wouldn't inconvenience the Healers by marking my request as urgent. It's my own fault, and I don't need to take it every day, strictly speaking. It's only recommended that I do so."

"Even so, medical recommendations ought to be followed. They are not the kind of thing that one should be prevented from doing as a form of _punishment_ ," Qui-Gon said, rather appalled at the boy's words. "I won't pry, but depending on the condition you need them for, there could still be serious consequences for failing to follow your Healer's orders, even if it isn't strictly necessary to do so."

"I don't think you understand entirely, Master Jinn," Obi-Wan began, sounding uncertain and embarrassed. "It's not a matter of physical health. I was not prescribed this medicine by a Healer at the Temple, but by one on Uto."

"I'm afraid that I don't understand what you're implying," Qui-Gon said.

"When I was on Uto, the Healers there suggested that I might have a developmental disorder. When I returned, I found out that the Utoins have a reputation for overdiagnosing mental and emotional disorders. Though the Healers I have spoken to agree with the Utoin's diagnosis, my clan leader and peers don't think that it is befitting a Jedi to rely on such medication," Obi-Wan spoke in a way that made it clear that he was quoting things that he had heard others say, not using his own words.

Rather than reassuring Qui-Gon, though, it irritated him all the more. Before he found the words to reply, he pulled out his comm and sent a message to his grandmaster, requesting a meeting with a couple details from the boy's story.

"What are you doing?" Obi-Wan asked, uncertainly.

"Sending a message to Master Yoda," Qui-Gon responded.

The instant mortification that took over the boy's presence surprised Qui-Gon for a moment, before he remembered that not all Jedi were as comfortable in the presence of the Grandmaster of the Order as he was.

"I am of his lineage, young one. That is the reason why I thought to contact him before anyone else. I'm certain that he will not mind."

"But it isn't important. I'm only overreacting. I'm the one who's in the wrong."

"You are most certainly not," Qui-Gon said sharply. "Emotional and mental health issues may be a barrier toward one becoming a Jedi, but not one that is impossible to overcome. And even if they _were_ , that does not give your clan leader the right to deny you the medication you are supposed to take. Something is very wrong with this situation, and it needs to be rectified."

Qui-Gon forgot to worry about his own insecurities regarding younglings as his mind latched onto a chance to defend someone who couldn't defend themselves. He had always felt a particular calling to help the weakest creatures in the galaxy, whatever form that might take, and it was a familiar feeling of righteous anger that was filling his mind now.

He glanced down at his comm, rather surprised but pleased to see that Master Yoda had responded already. He was a busy man, and didn't often have free time, but apparently he was currently having tea in his rooms. Qui-Gon and the Initiate in question were welcome to join him. Qui-Gon smiled sharply and stood.

"Come with me," he said, reaching one hand out toward Obi-Wan, who simply stared at his hand for a long time. Qui-Gon felt some of his eagerness to take action dim as he realized that the boy may not be willing to go somewhere unspecified with a man he'd only just met, especially when he was in such a state of emotional upset.

Before he could determine what he should say, Obi-Wan took his hand and stood up gingerly. He held on for a moment longer than he really needed to, but Qui-Gon didn't break the hold either, letting him decide that for himself. When Obi-Wan let go and looked up at him in curiosity, Qui-Gon strode out of the alcove eagerly. Finally, something useful to do around here.

-

If asked, Master Yoda would not admit to being surprised by Qui-Gon's message, but he was. His grandpadawan had avoided even speaking with anyone under the age of thirteen like they had the plague, so he couldn't help but wonder how Qui-Gon had even learned of the issue he'd mentioned. He'd been sparing with the details, but clearly he'd grasped onto another of his good causes- this time in the form of an Initiate that he felt was being treated unfairly.

Of course, Yoda's primary motivation for inviting Qui-Gon over immediately was to ensure that the Initiate was safe and well, but there was a secondary benefit in allowing him to sate his curiosity regarding why that particular individual was the one to bring the matter to his attention.

When he answered the door, his curiosity was piqued further when he discovered the identity of the Initiate. Behind Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan Kenobi stood uncertainly in his doorway. Yoda had been keeping something of an eye on that child for a little while now. Though he wasn't _supposed_ to like any Jedi more than another, he still found himself unusually fond of some of them, and this child was one that stood out to him. Moreover, he had long thought that he and Qui-Gon would work well together, if his grandpadawan would get past his issues around Xanatos. But Qui-Gon had thus far been exceptionally stubborn about that. Which made this occasion all the more intriguing.

"Come in, you may. Sit down," Yoda invited, moving away from the door and gesturing to the collection of cushions near the tea table for the two to use.

"Yes, Master," both said, though with very different inflections. Qui-Gon's was long-suffering, the tone he got when he wanted to move on to something new but knew that rushing his grandmaster would only slow things down, while Obi-Wan only seemed tense and uncertain and reverting to formality to cover it up. Yoda said nothing to indicate that he'd noticed either tone.

They all sat down, Yoda picking up his cup again while the other two poured themselves cups of their own. Once all three were settled, Yoda looked to Qui-Gon for him to explain. Qui-Gon had sat with him to discuss his self-appointed missions often enough to recognize the permission without a word.

"I met Initiate Kenobi earlier this afternoon when I sought the source of a strong sense of distress. I asked him for the reason that he was upset and he told me that he was told by his clan leader that he could not refill his prescribed medication in time to get more, apparently as a form of punishment for failing to request it early enough. I also believe that it was in front of others in his age group, as Obi-Wan stated that his peers found out about his medication and mocked him." Qui-Gon turned to face Obi-Wan who looked utterly mortified. "Am I correct in that assumption, Initiate?"

"Well, yes, but I didn't mean to make a big deal out it-" Obi-Wan started, only to be cut off by Yoda speaking sharply.

"A 'big deal,' you did not make it. A problem it already was."

"As I said, Initiate. You are not in the wrong here. In fact, that assumption only alarms me more," Qui-Gon said. The statement clearly distressed Obi-Wan, as he looked back and forth between the two somewhat helplessly, looking as though he were at a loss for words. Yoda gave a quick glance to Qui-Gon, hoping to send a message not to say things that will only make him more upset.

"I simply meant that I don't think anything needs to be done about this. It's not very important, and I'll get my medicine in a couple days anyway, even without help. I shouldn't have let my emotions get so out of control."

"Control your emotions you must, yes. But change this situation that fact does not. Share medical information without permission, your clan leader did, and inappropriate punishment you were given," Yoda interjected, mind already spinning through options as to how to handle the situation, and which Jedi might be best to intervene.

Obi-Wan said nothing, looking as though he didn't understand what he was being told.

"Even though you made a mistake, this particular punishment is not acceptable," Qui-Gon clarified. "Your health may not be too terribly affected by this decision, but a clan leader should never be allowed to take even a small risk to the health of those under their care. And they should never have shared your health information without your permission. You have a right to confidentiality on these matters."

"I suppose that makes sense," Obi-Wan said quietly. He wouldn't meet either of their eyes, and Qui-Gon felt himself growing frustrated, but tried not to let it show. He was only a child. It made sense that he would be uncertain about what was normal in these situations. Finally, he looked back up at them and spoke. "What are you going to do?"

Qui-Gon glanced over to Master Yoda, uncertain himself. A major part of why he'd brought the matter up to him was a lack of certainty as to what path would actually make sense in a situation like this.

"Decide that together, we will," Yoda said. "Know, do you, what you want done?"

"I- I just want to get my medicine and get this over with. I don't want to make a big de- I don't want to spend much time on the matter," Obi-Wan said, firmly.

Qui-Gon found himself making an irritated expression, and tried to wipe it off his face before either of the others present could see it.

"Is there something wrong, Master Jinn?" Apparently he hadn't done so fast enough to hide it from Obi-Wan, and judging by the humor in Yoda's presence, he had noticed too.

"Not really. I just don't understand why you won't accept our desire to help," Qui-Gon said, and firmly ignored the sensation of laughter and of the word 'hypocrite' that brushed against his mind from the direction of his grandmaster.

"With all due respect, I don't think it would be helpful to do anything more than maybe getting my medicine refilled early enough. Maybe your assistance would help ensure that my clan leader understands the problem, but if my peers found out that I got help- it would just make things worse. I know that Bruck is already saying that my medicine gives me an unfair advantage, and he'd only mock me for getting special attention if he found out about this."

"How would your medicine give you an unfair advantage?"

Obi-Wan blushed in clear mortification and didn't say anything for a long moment.

"It helps me focus and complete tasks. Among other things. I... have a condition called ADHD."

Qui-Gon frowned, trying to figure out if he knew what that was. He had heard it before somewhere, he thought, but he couldn't place it or recall much about it.

"I shouldn't need to rely on a medicine to do the things everyone else can do just fine," Obi-Wan murmured. "At least, that's what some people say."

Despite the deflection in the second half of the statement, Qui-Gon could tell that there was at least some part of Obi-Wan that agreed with them.

"Illogical comparison, that is," Yoda said, frowning severely, and Qui-Gon figured the only reason that he wasn't giving the boy a light smack on the legs was that they were all seated, and he didn't have his gimer stick in easy reach. "Unfair, medicine is not. Fair, it makes things. Rely on chemicals, your peers do, just as much as you. Create them on their own, their bodies do. Only difference between you, that is."

"I know, Master Yoda. Really, I do understand that. But that doesn't change how they react."

"Then education, they must receive," Yoda said definitively, though there was a sadness to his tone that Qui-Gon didn't think Obi-Wan could notice. Sometimes the lessons that younger Jedi learned about emotional control were not the ones that were intended. This was only one example of that.

"No, please! They'll know that you're only saying that because of me, and that won't help at all! They won't even listen. I know that they need to learn better, but I really just think it's best to let this all blow over!"

Qui-Gon wasn't sure if Initiate Kenobi was always this bold in the face of authority, or if the particular situation was bringing out a desperation in him that prompted him to shout at the Grandmater of the Order, but either way, he was amused.

"Then perhaps the discussion can be put off until another time," he suggested. "If it won't be effective at this time, then it would be a waste of time to try anything. If we wait and give it later, at a time when they won't make the association they will likely be more susceptible to the lesson."

Obi-Wan looked torn between wanting to argue more or to just accept that they were determined to say something about this situation. Finally, he ceded.

"I agree with Master Jinn," he said.

Yoda looked between the two of them for a moment, with a calculating look on his face. He had better only be debating the best course of action, and _not_ plotting anything along the lines of getting Qui-Gon a new Padawan. Though this day hadn’t gone as badly as Qui-Gon had expected, it was a far different act to help one Initiate with a problem than to take on the responsibility of raising a child. He was still quite determined that he would not take another Padawan.

But he did find himself hoping that this boy would get the chance to be one.


End file.
